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My lack of self-confidence/self-worth, in general, I think. I have a hard time believing in myself, and I struggle to believe other people, when they point out positive things about me; which means that I seek out constant validation from people, but don't take compliments well (when I get them); and that isn't exactly fair to the people around me. It's... a constant work in progress, basically. I do hope that I'll someday be able to be happy and proud of who I am, as a full person, and that I'll be able to accept all my faults as well; but it won't happen over night. It takes time and work, and I know that. I'm getting closer every day, though, so that's good.
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I'm doing the obligatory DON'T LINK TO MY  FLOCKED ENTRIES, OR COMMENTS YOU'VE MADE IN MY FLOCKED ENTRIES, to facebook or Twitter, post. In fact, don't even link to the unlocked ones. Not a lot of you guys are friends with me on Facebook, so I won't worry too much about that, but just in case you're thinking about doing it. Most of my Twitter feed are people I know over the internet, so it's not that serious, but I still don't want it to happen. I don't want my private comments/Entries to be posted as Facebook /Twitter statuses for your/my friends/family to see. Needless to say, this would be an invasion of privacy; if I want people to know about my LJ, I'll tell them. Likewise, I won't link to any of your posts, and I'm sure of this, because I'm not even risking activating this thing;  I don't want to risk hitting the wrong buttons by mistake, so I'm not touching it.

See, the friends I have on Facebook are mostly people I know 'in real life', like my old high school friends, or my family members. I do not want any of these people to know about my LJ; in fact, I've only told a few people I know 'in real life' about my LJ, and they are all people I trust. And the other way around; only a few trusted people on here know about my Facebook, and my full real life name. The life I lead on LJ, is vastly different from for the one I lead on Facebook(when I'm even on it, but that's another thing).

My LJ: A place for my deepest feelings, thoughts, opinions, rants, fangirling, fandom, fanfic etc, all of which I share with my friends on here, who I trust with the aforementioned things. I feel like this is who I really am, and what I really like/ feel; thus, I'd feel a tad vulnerable if everything was to be shared with everyone I know 'in real life'.

Facebook: A public place, a way to keep contact with my friends and family, even the ones who I don't feel particularly close to. Obviously, I do not want slash fanfic, fangirling, and other personal things, to be shared with the people on there. Only a few fandom people are friends with me on Facebook, and I like to keep it that way. I do not want the girl who bullied me in high school to find out about my online journal; no thanks.

In fact, I don't even want YOUR family/friends on Facebook/Twitter, to know about these things. That's how paranoid I am.

This whole thing is a really bad idea imo. Seriously, WHO wants to share these things with people they know 'in real life' ???.

Anyway, now I've put that out there...

ETA: if anyone wonders what I'm talking about, this  [info]news post explains some of it.  These posts also might make the whole thing a little less confusing.


iamashamed: (Default)
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The worst memories? I was bullied for a while so here is some: I got big chunks of snow thrown after me on my way to gym class, a long with my friends. I was called 'a shadow' because I depended too much on one of my friends, which in one instance resulted in people banging on their tables, yelling "shadow, shadow, shadow!!!", while I was in the room; some people even parodied the song from The Bear in The Blue house: "where, where is the shadow?!?!" which was pretty creative, I must say. I got back at them, though, by singing "Where, where is your beauty?!?!" to one of them. They stopped after that, because, yeah, they couln't deny that that was true. I was also teased because I wasn't good at carrying a lot of books at once, I was so tiny, so they'd end up falling down on the floor, and laugther would follow.

This is tame compared to what others went through.

I wasn't popular in highschool or in middle school; I chose certain friends, who were not well liked, and of course that wasn't 'in'. I was shy, sensitive, quiet, odd, silly, and introverted, and I depended too much on my friends. Later, when I did develop a personality, I was silly, weird, and wasn't afraid to be embarrasing or do embarrasing things, which wasn't 'cool'. There were certain rules on how to behave; anyone who was a little quirky and different was labeled a loser, so I was one of them. I wasn't in the geeky group, because homework and classes didn't interest me. I was more, like, in the group for people who were themselves and didn't give a crap(or pretended not to care) about what anyone else thought. (Janis, and Damian in Mean Girls, I think) But I was always there for my friends and they were there for me.(and they are the reason I practiced my English, so yay). I don't think that people really disliked me, I was just an easy target; insecure, weird, silly, and not mean. (at one point I was referred to as 'weird, but pretty'. Uh thanks assholes? Lol)...

So yes, I had some bad years, but after certain people left, and people matured, we all became friends. 10th grade was actually a really good year. In the end, I ended up having a good time. My early teen years weren't so easy; but I had some really good friends, so that helped me get through it all.

As for what I've learned? Kids are mean. It doesn't matter what you do; once you are labeled something, it will stick, all you can do is try to have fun; fuck the haters. That will, in the end, make you the better person, and you'll leave high-shcool knowing that you didn't ruin someone elses teen years; that is something. Also, people change, and they mature; holding grudges against these people won't help you in the long run( although I still struggle with that, but that's another thing).

No doubt that it had an affect on me, but there is nothing to do about it know; gotta look forward instead.<3
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So, Li contacted me tonight, and asked if she could come over. I was surprised and happy about this, so I said yes. Then she messaged me and said that she had to be home around 09.30 pm, and I was like, oh, uhm, okay, but I still looked forward to it. Then I got another message that said that she had to cancel because her brother got home and she had to leave earlier, and if we could hang out tomorrow. I haven't answered back yet, because I am pissed/hurt.

I'd just gotten myself ready and I really looked forward to her coming over and then she cancels on me, when we haven't even seen each other in ages. Yes, she asked if we could hang out tomorrow instead, and that is all fine and dandy, but she can't just ask me to hang out tonight, suddenly and out of the blue, and then think everything is fine when she cancels. This is so typical, so very her, and it is one of the million reasons that I decided to break off this toxic friendship in the first place. I haven't asked her to hang out since what she did to me on News Years Eve, and I'll be damned if I'll let her into my life again if she keeps doing this shit. For those of you who don't know who she is, Li is/was my best friend since we were 6 years old; we were in the same class, on the same cheer-team, together all through high-school, and very close; and we had fights, so many fights. We were like Yin and Yang; she was blond, popular, confident, and I was darkhaired, unpopular, shy and insecure. Despite all of this, we kept coming back to each other, or rather, I kept coming back to her, even when she broke up our friendship and was bad for me. Around her, I was always jealous, self-hating, insecure, and always, always second best, but I still had a good time with her. Basically, I depended too much on her, and it hurt me. After she had broken off our 'best friendship' as she called it, for the second time (the first time being when we were kids) we still occasionally talked, and I was still depending on her. Then, after she did this to me on New Yorks Eve and ditched me for her new friends, I began to realize (after a breakdown and a talk with my dad) that our friendship was over, and that I would never depend on her again. She has always been bad for me, but I loved her, and depended on her, so I let her treat me like she wanted. Now she wants to talk to me again, and she expects us to just be 'casual friends', but she has no idea that it probably can't be like that for me. Either she is a close friend, a best friend, someone I can't depend on, or she is out of my life. I am willing ot just be casual friends, but I don't know if I can do that.

I still love her, and we've had so many good times together, but I just don't know.

TL;DR: what do you guys say?


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While everyone's lost, the battle is won...

July 2012

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