iamashamed | Writer's Block: You're my best friend (Reply)

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TL;DR under the cut:

I call her Li on LJ, because I don't want to give her name away. We met in kindergarten, when we were both 5/6 years old, and I still remember the moment where it all started; I asked her mom if Li could play with me, and she told me to go ask Li. I did, and the rest is history. It's one of those things, where you look back, and you aren't sure why you did what you did, but you feel like it was fate. We got along right away, and we were inseparable for a long time ever since then. We went to school together, in the same class, for all 10 years. We grew up together, we knew each other inside out, and we meant a lot to each other. I have no doubt, that she was the platonic verson of the "love of my life", if that makes sense. We were, and still are, very different from each other, in almost every way you could possibly imagine: she was outgoing, blond, blue eyed, charming, indepented, confident, and I was quiet, dark-haired, brown eyed, clumsy, depending on others, and insecure. Despite of this, or maybe because of this, we matched each other well, and were like Ying and Yang. Of course, things couln't last, and of course it was never perfect. We had a lot of issues with our friendship, for the longest time, and time only made them bigger. As we grew older, we grew apart, and our relationship turned unhealthy and toxic for both of us. At a certain point, Li decided to stop being best friends. I don't think I've ever been so hurt in one single moment, as I was when she did that. Despite this, I now know that what she did, was, in someways, right. There were far too many bad things in our friendship, compared to all the good things, and I think that she did what she did, to make sure that we didn't end up hating and hurting each other, more than we already had. For the longest time, after she ended things, I still viewed her as my best friend, and refused to let go. I needed her too much, compared to how much she needed me. The final blow came last year, on New Years Evening, where she canceled our plans in the last minute, and went out with some new friends of hers, instead. This is where I had a heart to heart talk with dad, and came to the conclusion, that I needed to let go and stop being so dedicated to her, when she weren't so dedicated to me. I couln't keep giving, and giving, but never receiving. I lived for the small moments that we had, and gave all of my heart, when she did not. Since I came to terms with this, we've been talking a few times, just as normal friends, and I've finally become a person of my own, instead of only being who I was, when I was with her. It was a long time coming, and though she hurt me, and though she treated me like crap at times (which she did, don't get me wrong) I was not innocent, either. She'll always be my best childhood friend, and she'll always have a special place in my heart. And we will always have all those moments in time, and I will always love her; but I have finally let go, now, and started a new chapter in my life. And it feels good, and it feels right. I'll let past be past, and only dwell on memories once in a while, instead of living through them, like I've done in the past. This is what's best for me, I know that now. Li is getting an education at the moment, and she's living on her own, in the same town as I am. She's doing great, and I'm happy for her. I'm planning on meeting her soon, to catch up with her life, and I look forward to that. I'm doing great as well, so things are good.