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It's a day of reflection, mostly. I think about the victims of the attack, the families of the people who died in the attack, the survivors of the attack, and all the soldiers, from around the world, not just America, who have been fighting, and sometimes died, ever since the attack, to prevent this kind of thing from ever happening again. I think about where I was when it happened, and what impact it has had on America, and the rest of the world.

I don't remember much from 9/11, or even before 9/11, because I was only a 10/11 year old girl when the attack happened. 9/11 was the first big news event I remember hearing about, but I was so young, that I didn't really understand what it was about. I grew up in a post-9/11 world, so I only remember the day through child-eyes. It was only years later that I actually began to think about it, and understand what happened on that day.

This is what I remember from that day:

It was around afternoon here, because of the time differences between Denmark and America, and I was playing with a friend. After my friend went home, I went into the living room, and saw my parents watching the news, where the images of the twin towers burning caught my eyes. I thought it looked like a movie, so I asked what it was. My mother told me that some really bad people had attacked some famous buildings in America, and killed a lot of people. I also remember seeing the buildings crumple, and being a little bit afraid, but the rest of the day is a blur. Next day in school, we talked about the attacks, and held 5 minutes silence for all the victims. I remember asking, angry and disgusted, "But if these people wanted to kill themselves, why did they have to take so many innocent people with them?!" because I was too young, and too innocent,  to understand the horrible fact, that goal wasn't to commit suicide, but to cause pain and hurt to others. It was only years later that I found out that this was the case. I also remember days after the attack, seeing pictures of people falling from the towers in the magazines, and being shocked. It still haunts me.
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Critical bystander. I used to love the books, and the first movie, but luckily I saw the light. The abusive relationships, the crappy writing, the shameless Mary Sue/self insert, all became clear to me, and now I strongly dislike it. I'm ashamed that I was ever a fan, but I'm glad that I changed my ways. Twilight is a horrible franchise, that glorifies abusive relationships and lack of talent. It sucks young girls into the books, and it makes them believe that being stalked and controlled by a man is somehow romantic. Besides this, it's also a badly written piece of glorified fanfiction, and the main character is a self-insert Mary Sue.

People comparing it to Harry Potter are doing a good job of making me lose faith in humanity.
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The finale is tonight. I haven't talked much about Lost in this journal, but in honour of tonight, I will.

I started watching Lost in 2004, after seeing the promos for it on my tv; I was a 13/14 year old at the time. I thought it looked awesome, so I decided to check it out when it premiered, a long with my best friend. Ever since then, Lost has been in my life. I've fangirled with my best friend about it, I've gotten other friends of mine interested in the show, I've scribbled on my school books about it, and I even made a big collage at one point. I may have fallen out of love with the show at times, but it has been such a big part of my life, that it holds a special place in my heart. It was Lost that was my first real show, and my first real obsession. Other girls would be watching teenage drama's and I'd be watching Lost. Jack from Lost(Matthew Fox) was my first celebrity crush, when I was around 13/14 years old, and I have many fond memories of my fangirling over him. Jack and Kate were my first ship, and to this day, remain the only ship I've ever written a finished piece of work about.

The countless of times I've annoyed my friends by ranting about Lost, the tears I've cried, the fangirling, the laughing, the excitement, it has all been such a big part of my teenage years, and it is both a very sad and very nostalgic night, now that it is ending.

I fell out of love with Lost a few years ago, but before then I hadn't missed a single episode of the show. I missed a lot after that, but this year when I heard it was ending, I decided to get into it again, because I wanted to see the finale and say goodbye to the show that had been such a big part of my teenage years.

I will miss it, but I'll always have fond memories of it, and I am NOT ashamed to say that I will be crying tonight.

ETA: Lol, I found the picture of the epic collage I made as a teen:
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Love it when it's good; hate it when it's bad.

There is nothing worse in fandom, besides fandom crazies and drama, than bad fanfiction, especially bad porn. Luckily, it is mostly in the bigger fandoms that the badfic come out; I've found that in the smaller fandoms, the writing tends to be better, simply because it isn't as popular as the bigger ones. That is not to say that there isn't great fics in bigger fandoms, because there are, it can just be hard to sort the good from the bad. Bad fanfiction is why I don't write it myself, but judge from a safe distant. If I write, I want to make sure that my work it is actually good. That said, you can only get better the more you write, so of course there is going to be some bad stuff; it is only natural. I just prefer to learn and get better in secret, and let friends judge instead of the whole internet. I judge my own work too much and don't dare to post it, unless I am sure that it is decent, which I realize can be hard to find out when I don't post it, haha.

I know that you can only get better if you let other people see and give opinions on what you write, but I am too self-critical to post anything, and that is my problem. I don't write much either, I mostly comment on other people's work. Speaking of that...

It isn't easy for me to tell another person that I think their work is bad, which I know isn't going to help anything, but I just can't do it. Either I don't comment or I find something positive to comment on instead; I don't like saying "this was bad!" and hurt someones feelings, so I don't. I don't want to lie either, so I make sure that I mean what I say. If I do comment on something I think is bad, I make sure to compliment on something that I liked. I don't lie to people;  if I write: "OH MY GOD AMAZING!" etc then I really mean it. And when I find typos I let them know as well. I often leave long detailed comments when it is something that I love.

I use to write really bad fanfiction about Lost, Jack/Kate, or 'Jate' as they were called(JATE IS FATE!). I had this long melodramatic story starring them, with a lot of bad English and cheesy writing, and I just laugh when I think about it. I also wrote a lot of original writing, which I have fond memories of, but I am sure it wasn't much better.
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The worst memories? I was bullied for a while so here is some: I got big chunks of snow thrown after me on my way to gym class, a long with my friends. I was called 'a shadow' because I depended too much on one of my friends, which in one instance resulted in people banging on their tables, yelling "shadow, shadow, shadow!!!", while I was in the room; some people even parodied the song from The Bear in The Blue house: "where, where is the shadow?!?!" which was pretty creative, I must say. I got back at them, though, by singing "Where, where is your beauty?!?!" to one of them. They stopped after that, because, yeah, they couln't deny that that was true. I was also teased because I wasn't good at carrying a lot of books at once, I was so tiny, so they'd end up falling down on the floor, and laugther would follow.

This is tame compared to what others went through.

I wasn't popular in highschool or in middle school; I chose certain friends, who were not well liked, and of course that wasn't 'in'. I was shy, sensitive, quiet, odd, silly, and introverted, and I depended too much on my friends. Later, when I did develop a personality, I was silly, weird, and wasn't afraid to be embarrasing or do embarrasing things, which wasn't 'cool'. There were certain rules on how to behave; anyone who was a little quirky and different was labeled a loser, so I was one of them. I wasn't in the geeky group, because homework and classes didn't interest me. I was more, like, in the group for people who were themselves and didn't give a crap(or pretended not to care) about what anyone else thought. (Janis, and Damian in Mean Girls, I think) But I was always there for my friends and they were there for me.(and they are the reason I practiced my English, so yay). I don't think that people really disliked me, I was just an easy target; insecure, weird, silly, and not mean. (at one point I was referred to as 'weird, but pretty'. Uh thanks assholes? Lol)...

So yes, I had some bad years, but after certain people left, and people matured, we all became friends. 10th grade was actually a really good year. In the end, I ended up having a good time. My early teen years weren't so easy; but I had some really good friends, so that helped me get through it all.

As for what I've learned? Kids are mean. It doesn't matter what you do; once you are labeled something, it will stick, all you can do is try to have fun; fuck the haters. That will, in the end, make you the better person, and you'll leave high-shcool knowing that you didn't ruin someone elses teen years; that is something. Also, people change, and they mature; holding grudges against these people won't help you in the long run( although I still struggle with that, but that's another thing).

No doubt that it had an affect on me, but there is nothing to do about it know; gotta look forward instead.<3


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While everyone's lost, the battle is won...

July 2012

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